INTERCOURSE ALERT

Unlike Reuters and other news outlets, Lord Drone declines to kow-tow to current real or imagined sensitivities of a Wokeist nature. He therefore categorically refuses to warn readers today that the following letter may contain wording some may find offensive.

Sir — My neighbour’s husband fancies himself as a bit of a wordsmith, as he was once employed by the Newcastle Journal.

The other day I overheard him telling a workman: 'Kindly intercourse yourself out of my presence and beyond the boundaries of my property!'

By the time I looked over the fence, the man was shouting 'Fuck off yourself!' before fucking off.

VERA BONNILASS

via geordiemail

FOGGING MANIACS

Sir — Why is it that drivers of fog-coloured vehicles never, ever put on their lights … in fog?

PERCY SHAW-SHANKS

Redemption Road

Gloomsbury

Haven’t the foggiest — Ed

BACK TO THE FUTURE

Sir — I predict that Home Secretary Suella Braverman will predict the imminent downfall of your resident seer and Keeper of the Drone Crystal Balls, G R Petulengro-Frame, by lunchtime yesterday.

OLD LOB

@guesswork.com

It will come true at some time in the future. Keep the faith! — Ed

SPOKELAW

Sir — Of course the planet is not flat. [See Poetry Corner.] If it were flat there would be no need for low gear on bikes. Leastways that's what I heard in the pub, so it must be true.

F. LATTYRE

Petts Wood

RACING UNCERTAINTY

Sir — I was so pleased to see that you have appointed my old colleague Gypsy Rose Petulengro-Frame as your resident astrologer. Once he has settled in, I wonder if he could give me the winner of the Betfair Chase at Haydock on the 19th. 

P.O. SULLEVAN-SHANKS

Flying Furlong

Newmarket

A LASS, A FRACK

Sir — In view of his new woke redefinition, how does Lord Drone expect us to interpret government policy that “fracking can only be conducted with the consent of residents and/or approval from Health and Safety?”

For that matter, does he consider my customary Friday night, er, frack with a friendly barmaid behind my local constitutes a danger to surrounding communities and indeed the planet itself?

LEW D B’STARD

Via Twatter

DON’T ALL RUSH ...

Sir — Please allow me space to offer the following unwanted gift for sale:

Giltlike badge (worn once) featuring iconic Crusader figure accompanied by effusive citation, lovingly inscribed on vellumette, displayed inside bespoke WoodaLike plastic frame (as new). Offers invited. Purchaser to collect. 

B.ADGEGATE-SHANKS

Duntoadying

EC4

REMEMBERING ROY

Sir — Good to see Lord Drone giving valuable space to the book by pipe-smoking sports cartoonist extraordinaire, Roy Ullyett. 

He was such a jovial and talented sports cartoonist, and something of a local celebrity in his hometown of Westcliff-on-Sea, where he would often be found walking along the cliff top near his house in the historic conservation area of the Victorian seaside Riviera, if he wasn’t residing in his Menorca, or was it Majorca, villa.

I shared a train journey with him once and he looked rather upset.

“What’s up Roy? Problems?” I helpfully asked as he sucked on his unlit pipe under his handlebar moustache and frowned.

It transpired that the originals of scores of his cartoons had disappeared from his filing cabinet. A newsroom theft was recorded, and a hunt was going on but to no avail. The matter was a mystery until some months later.

Roy was invited to a prestigious opening of a new West End Sports club. The owner met him at the entrance and took him down to the cellar bar where he walked past a complete collection of his framed work on the walls. Someone had found a market for Roy's missing pencil strokes of history. Rows followed.

AN OLD BROWN CARDIGAN 

PUB-LISHING

Sir — We’re all used to the concept of Working From Home but now I read that Working From Pub is catching on. 

What’s so new about that?

J. AKASS-SHANKS

Truth and Reconciliation Suite

Flying Fuck

HARRY’S GAME

Sir — It is a dirty game they're playing. Well done to the press for outing Harry, Megsy and Netflix for their misuse of photos and footage in the trailers for their reality series. Rather reminiscent of the fake headlines that were used in the Oprah interview. They didn't try to explain that fakery so it'll be interesting to see if they can explain away this chicanery. 

What's bizarre is that they've distanced themselves from a show that they had made about themselves.

Love the comparison between Harry and Megsy and John and Yoko in some of the papers. The difference between the couples is that one out of the four was actually talented. Although you could argue that Yoko was a fair actress herself.

I see Paul Burrell has resurfaced although he isn't using his Kensington Palace nickname Barrack Room Bertha.

Jimi Hendrix, those like and dislike features were very common in magazines of yesteryear. Hendrix used to keep a diary, (ditto Keith Richards) hard to believe but true. Jimi would detail one of his extraordinary days, (bought new car...crashed new car...shagged 12 groupies etc) and sign off with SOS...Same Old Shit!

STEVE MILL

By cleft stick

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

Sir — With Christmas approaching, please allow me to inform readers that I have a box of Sooty, Sweep and Sue puppets for sale. They’re going very cheaply because, frankly, I just want them off my hands.

M.CORBETT-SHANKS

Much Squeaking

Beds

ARSE OVER TIP

Sir — Your correspondent 

P O Sullivan-Shanks asked me to look into my crystal ball to forecast the winner of the Betfair Chase at Haydock. I can confidently tell him that it will be Protektorat at 11-2. He should put the national debt on it plus his shirt. And to think some were doubting my powers.

G R PETULENGRO-FRAME

By carrier pigeon

QUEEN BEES

Sir — I have always believed that a Drone, by definition, is a male. Imagine my surprise therefore at your reference to “sister drones”.

Are we expected to believe that long-standing colleagues, notorious for their macho antics in the Snug Bar of the Flying Fuck, have been secretly taking the back stairs to the Tavistock Clinic for a spot of gender reassignment?

I think we should be told.

EMIL MATELESS

@Twatter

The Drone is strictly gender neutral on all matters. Our mission is to show full respect to all those Woke tossers — Ed

ASLEEP ON THE JOB

Sir — Haven't you got anyone on the Drone’s vast staff who could have predicted the resignation of Sir Gavin Williamson, for God’s sake? Disappointed. 

S. BRAVERMAN-SHANKS

Fortune Cookie Crescent

Fakenham 

Not until the pubs close — Ed

SUELLA’S CHOPPER

Sir — I note Suella de Vil has popped in to see her friends, the migrant ‘invaders’ at the Manston holding centre. She arrived by a Chinook twin rotor helicopter, usually to be found in war theatres such as Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan. 

Why Chinook at £3,500 an hour (not to mention all those nasty carbon emissions)? A train from St Pancras to Ramsgate, next to Manston, takes 46 minutes and costs £36. Asking for a friend.

G R PETULENGRO-SHANKS

FRAME UP

Re: Gypsy Rose Petulengro- Frame

Please note the above individual who has been brought to our attention is not an accredited member of our brotherhood and any prognostications he may make are exercises in self-aggrandisement and should be taken with a pinch of fairy dust. 

Members of the public who encounter him should back off and ring our Help Line for immediate assistance.

LORD LUCK

Cosa Nostradamus

The Old Bell

EC4

He’s a she, isn’t he? — Ed

MISS WOODEN BOX

Dear Lord Drone — Your item in The Goss reminds me that a member of Colonel Richard Pine-Coffin’s family, a lady not built for hand-to-combat (but who knows, I don’t think any of our gentlemanly colleagues tried) graced the third floor of the Blackfriars Lubyanka. For a short time.

She worked as a casual reporter on Express Money. When her first copy arrived on the subs’ screens there was much checking. We had to get her byline right.

I do not remember her first name, but I think she was a granddaughter of the much decorated Colonel.

ALAN HILL

of this parish

By email

LOAD OF BOLLOCKS

Sir — I too was shocked to learn that the world of typewriter-throwing, full-wine bloodied, Fleet St Man is being replaced by the fireplace at the Flying Fuck, and that some members have been waiting patiently but noisily, on the backstairs of the Tavistock Clinic after lunch for gender realignment. 

Whatever would journalist Don MacKay say, that softly-spoken doyen from the Age of Romance and chivalry?

Announcements that female members are not exclusively women and don't need a penis to be a man, would shake the very foundations of El Vino, where doubtless Sir John Junor's forbidding voice still echoes around the wine barrels he enjoyed.

But if as Lord Drone indicates, men with no penises are now 'Sister Drones', what do we call men who, through no fault of their own, have their penises cut off by angry lovers, like John Bobbit?

Your full Woke attention please, it is a difficult and delicate matter.

RAYMONDE EITHER-WAY

Bollocks Cottage,

Upper Bottom.

Don’t ask me, cock, I only work here — Ed